Principle: We are ALWAYS in relationship with something.
“Like…always?”
Yep.
“I don’t believe you.”
Good! You and I now have a relationship with an idea we see differently.
Seeing the world through the lens of relationships, for me, has been an acquired experience. Like going to the eye doctor, being told you are near-sighted, and then getting corrective lenses – we often don’t recognize our perspective on the world until we experience a new set of lenses.
The notion of relationship with… holds powerful insights into how we interpret life and interact with our world. For example, someone might say:
“I have anxiety.”
“We have communication issues.”
“Our society is racist.”
“I’m lonely.”
Those statements focus on the “thing” – anxiety, communication, racism, loneliness. Those are real things but not the only focal point in one's experience. What if we looked at those things through the lenses of “relationship with ?”
Not anxiety, but your relationship with ruminating thoughts, a racing heart, and a tight chest.
Do you dread those experiences?
Do you actively avoid situations that might produce those feelings?
Do you open yourself to what those feelings might teach you?
Not communication issues, but your relationship with a significant other who you believe is dismissive of your feelings.
Are you continually on the lookout for your partner's misspoken words?
Have you lost hope for better communication so you just stick to daily topics?
What stories do you tell yourself about why your relationship is the way it is?
Not racism, but your relationship with the African American bank teller and what you believe about her.
How do your beliefs about the experiences of racially diverse people change how you interact with them?
What assumptions do you make about others based on your experiences?
If your interaction with the bank teller doesn't go as you'd like, what stories do you create about why that was?
Not loneliness, but the absence of a relationship with a supportive community.
What do you believe about yourself in the absence of caring people in your life?
What does being alone mean to you?
If you found a supportive community what changes might you have to make in your life?
I’ve found that when we put ourselves in relationship with the important things in our lives we find greater understanding, meaning, and power to change.
That’s why the Four Relationships are relationship with experiences. Your relationships with yourself, with the significant others in your life, with societal ideas and values, and with something bigger than all of us.
Relationship with gives us an opportunity to step back from a problem, issue, or idea and see the situation as a dynamic. It puts us in a position of choice and decision-making.
Shift Your Focal Point
Try this out. Identify a struggle or frustration you have right now. Instead of focusing on the “thing” (my kid’s failing grades, the demands of my job, the war between Putin and Ukraine, etc.) take a step back and find a relationship with that thing.
Not my kid’s failing grades, but my relationship with my son and the expectations I have for him.
Not the demands of my job, but my relationship with stress and how I want to use my time.
Not the war between Putin and Ukraine, but my relationship with injustice or new-found attraction to Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
If you need some help consider the following four questions after you've identified your "thing":
If a fly on the wall was watching you deal with ( fill in "thing" here ) what might it notice?
What does that say about your relationship with ?
What does your relationship with say about what you value?
How would you like to relate differently to ?
Notice anything different when viewing things through the lenses of relationship with?
I believe if we focus more on exploring relationships and spend less energy on the "things" of life we will find greater clarity, meaning, and intentionality in our actions.
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