April 23, 2022 was World Book Day. I wanted to get this article out on that day but got lost in a good book. Over the past few years my love for reading has grown tremendously. I wasn’t a “reader” as a teen or young adult – just couldn’t find anything interesting enough to hold my attention. Maybe graduate school beat me into submission to be a reader. Whatever the cause, I now see reading as an opportunity to hang out with people who are much smarter than myself. I love having my ideas and worldviews nudged through good books.
For World Book Day I thought I would share a few of the books I enjoyed last year.
Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday
Category: Relationship with Self
This book came into my life at a time when I was trying to keep too many plates spinning and just before the world came to a screeching halt with the pandemic. It challenged my typical “Go! Go! Go!” way of being and gave permission to slow down, think deeply, rest up, and be present. In the book, Holiday calls on principles from Stoic philosophy to reorient the reader to a more meaningful pace and experience of being. It is divided into three sections: mind, spirit, and body. He shares engaging stories to highlight principles in each area. Since my first time finishing this book in early 2020 I’ve read it another two times and find helpful reminders about the type of life I want to live.
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” - Blaise Pascal 1654
“The real present moment is what we choose to exist in, instead of lingering on the past or fretting about the future. It’s however long we can push away the impressions of what’s happened before and what we worry or hope might occur at some other time.”
“If we want more revelations – more insights or breakthroughs or new, big ideas – we have to create more room for them. We have to step away from the noisy distractions and stimulations.”
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb
Category: Relationship with Self
Some people think therapists have life figured out and all their stuff together. This book was a refreshing, candid look into a therapist’s experience of therapy. Gottlieb shares what it’s like to seek out a therapist, navigate a therapeutic relationship, experience a range of emotional reactions, and engage in personal growth. There aren’t many pages of my copy of the book without some insight, gem, or principle underlined. As someone who has been in the field for almost 20 years, I appreciated the relatable way that Gottlieb shared psychological principles in a very human way.
“People often mistake numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s a response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings.”
“We tend to think that the future happens later, but we’re creating it in our minds every day….If we spend the present trying to fix the past or control the future, we remain stuck in place.”
“Feelings lead to behaviors. Once we know what we’re feeling, we can make choices about where we want to go with them. But if we push them away the second they appear, often we end up veering off in the wrong direction, getting lost yet again in the land of chaos.”
Category: Relationship with Self, Society
By nature, I’m an introvert; but due to various roles I have in life I often must behave like an extrovert. The ideas, principles, and research Cain lays out in her book were both validating and informative in understanding introversion as a strength rather than a liability. This book is broken into four parts. Cain first dissects what she calls “The Extrovert Ideal”- the gregarious way of being we’re often presented with as the ideal way to live. She then explores how our biology influences who we are and how we engage with the world. In part three she widens her study of the extrovert ideal in questioning if all cultures hold such an ideal. Finally, Cain shares some practical approaches about how to navigate work and relationships as an introvert. The book leans a little academic, but if you are an introvert or spend a lot of time with introverts it can be a highly valuable resource in understanding the soft power of introversion.
“During times of war or fear…it might seem that what we need most are aggressive heroic types. But if our entire population consisted of warriors, there would be no one to notice, let alone battle potentially deadly but far quieter threats like viral disease or climate change.”
“Introverts need to trust their gut and share their ideas as powerfully as they can. The trick for introverts is to honor their own styles instead of allowing themselves to be swept up by prevailing norms.”
“Aggressive power beats you up; soft power wins you over.” - Professor Preston Ni
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield (Audiobook)
Category: Relationship with Self
I’ve listened to this audiobook at least five times so far. This is a book about figuring out what your life “work” is and then learning to deal with all the crap that gets in the way of doing it. Listening to this is a bit of the kick in the pants for me when I am caught up in the grind of life but need to get back to what I feel called to do. The War of Art lays bare the notion of resistance in our lives – a force that fights, deters, and debilitates us when we are doing our important work. Doubt, procrastination, avoidance, criticism – Pressfield takes aim at all these and removes the excuses we give ourselves in relation to them. Whatever your life work is - artist, writer, mother, Chief Wellness Officer, educator – this book can help identify and circumvent the day-to-day pushback we each encounter.
“Most of us have two lives, the life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands resistance.”
Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil deGrasse Tyson
Category: Relationship with Something Bigger
What does astrophysics have to do with relationships? You’d be surprised the connections you can find when you look for them. Time and space have always been fascinating to me. I don’t pretend to understand all the laws and principles of astrophysics, but Tyson brings these ideas within reach to those interested in a bit of a deeper dive. This wasn’t a boring textbook written for academics. Tyson writes with a familiar tone and brings things like quasars, neutrinos, and dark matter to a level that one can understand and appreciate. We often assume time and space are just there, but they are the material of life we swim in and which connect us all.
“To the scientist, the universality of physical laws make the cosmos a marvelously simple place. By comparison, human nature – the psychologist’s domain – is infinitely more daunting.”
“…ignorance is the natural state of mind for a research scientist. People who believe they are ignorant of nothing have neither looked for, nor stumbled upon, the boundary between what is known and unknown in the universe.”
“The day our knowledge of the cosmos ceases to expand, we risk regressing to the childish view that the universe figuratively and literally revolves around us.”
Digital Minimalism: Choosing A Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport
Category: Relationship with Self, Society
I got on a kick last year where I focused on the impact of technology on our lives and the war over our attention. When I came across the book Digital Minimalism, just the idea alone intrigued me. With a family of four kids, all of whom love technology, scaling back digital technology in our home has always been a battle. This book challenged me to look at my own digital habits, let go of my hold on them, and embrace a “tech light” life. The first and shorter part of Newport’s book addresses how our attention has become a commodity and how the aim of many social technologies is to acquire as much of our attention as possible. (For another great book on this topic see Stand Out of Our Light: Freedom and Resistance in the Attention Economy by James Williams.) In part two, Newport focuses on practical ways to develop a healthier relationship with technology by engaging in intentional, enriching life activities.
“Aggressive action is needed to fundamentally transform your relationship with technology.”
“The thought process that went into building these applications, Facebook being the first of them…was all about: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?’" Sean Parker – Founding President of Facebook
“We should treat with great care any technology that threatens to disrupt the ways in which we connect and communicate with others.”
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel (Audiobook)
Category: Relationship with Significant Others, Self
Over the years I’ve develop a specialty working with couples dealing with infidelity. The experience of infidelity is complex for everyone involved. Having a deep understanding of the dynamics of affairs and a path to navigate through them is vital. In this book, Perel, one of the preeminent leaders on this topic, lays out in stark transparency what our knee-jerk reactions to affairs tend to be and what we find when we look a little deeper. She has worked with couples all over the world and is able to articulate how culture impacts our views on things such as trust, truth-telling, privacy, and cheating. I’ve been through this audiobook twice. I won’t lie – even for a therapist who works frequently with this issue – this book challenged me. Perel’s frankness, insights, and real-life examples pushed me to reflect on how I think about affairs. This probably isn’t the best book for someone in the midst of the crisis stage of an affair. One thing Perel points out repeatedly is that the timing of certain healing tasks is very important. I found it helpful to listen to this book in small sections to give myself time to absorb the material and do some reflecting.
"Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too has the taboo against it. It has been legislated, debated, politicized, and demonized throughout history. Yet despite its widespread denunciation, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy."
"Affairs have a lot to teach us about relationships. They open the door to a deeper examination of values, human nature, and the power of eros."
"...most of us are going to have two or three significant long-term relationships or marriages. And some of us are going to do it with the same person."
Those are some of my faves from the past year. What are the books that nudge you into a better relationship with yourself and others?
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