Key Points:
- Encountering crappy moments in life
- Aaron’s crappy life experience
- Relationship with self is about how we respond to what happens in life
- Questions to assess physical, mental, emotional, relational, spiritual aspects of life
- What do you want to do with your reflections?
We all get to points in life when circumstances feel crappy, we personally feel crappy, or our outlook on life becomes crappy. This may be a temporary funk or a prolonged sense of dissatisfaction with life. These moments are normal and to be expected; but that doesn’t mean they aren’t frustrating and draining.
Several years ago, the question, “Why do I feel like crap?” seemed to show up in my brain way more frequently than I wanted. I was a young father of four kids, recently out of graduate school, living in a new state, in a new job, and feeling completely overwhelmed.
From outward appearances things seemed to look great. But once the novelty of the new job wore off, I couldn’t escape feeling a numb lifelessness. As a therapist I knew all the symptoms of depression but couldn’t quite grasp if that’s what I was experiencing. Some days were fair, others were daunting. Some days I didn’t want to leave my house, some I didn’t want to return home after work. I was making the most money I’d ever made, and still we struggled to make ends meet.
Small moments started bugging me more than they should have. When I got my driver’s license renewed, I had to report that my weight had increased. On Sundays when I typically relaxed from the week, I instead felt numb and dreaded facing Monday. One day we had maxed out our financial resources and I literally scoured the house for loose change because I thought we weren’t going to make a car payment. There were moments where I just wanted to hang out with my wife, yet she was similarly exhausted from life demands. It felt crappy to have worked so hard in my education to end up in a situation of continued struggle.
When we get to these points in life it can be easy to just take on one day after another and hope that things will change. After too many “one more day” experiences I felt I needed an honest check-in with my self.
Relationship with Self
Simply put, one’s relationship with self is how one thinks, feels, and acts in relation to the physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects of oneself. Getting a pulse on each area can illuminate sources of struggle and potential areas for change. This isn’t just stating, “I’m fat”, or “My wife ignores me.” It is taking a deeper, objective look at each part of the self and assessing one's relationship to them.
Relationship with self is how one thinks, feels, and acts in relation to the physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects of oneself.
To help you get in touch with these aspects of your life I’ve developed brief descriptions of each area and some reflection questions. These questions are not meant to induce guilt, shame, or frustration. In fact, it is best to strip out any judgement, positive or negative, and just look objectively at what is. If you notice self-loathing showing up, try addressing these questions as if you were helping a good friend assess their life.
Physical
What is the state of my body?
One’s physical body is the vehicle of every other aspect below. It is a system that needs fuel to function, activity to grow, and assessment to fine tune. Surprisingly, it’s easy to neglect the vehicle of our existence. Take a moment to pause and reflect on these questions:
How rested do you feel after a typical night's sleep?
What foods/drinks do you consume to fuel your body?
How much, and what type of activity do you get each day?
What health issues need to be addressed?
When do you feel most "comfortable in your own skin"?
Assessing the physical state of one's body can be an emotional process. Much of what we think and feel about our bodies is influenced by messages from society, family, and media. Reflecting on these questions is an attempt to step away from unhealthy perceptions and practice noticing what is, without judgement.
Mental
What thoughts and beliefs show up in my mind?
What we perceive about the world by our senses and experience gets funneled through the filters of our mind. Information and experiences tend to get crystallized into beliefs, ideas, and recurring thoughts. Checking in with what shows up in our mind allows us to assess how we are making sense of the world.
What topics do you think about a lot in life nowadays?
What specific beliefs do you have about yourself?
What do you believe about your place in the world?
What strengths do you observe in yourself?
What struggles do you notice?
Do your thoughts tend to lean more positive or negative?
Are you more of a rigid thinker ("things are this way") or a flexible thinker ("I’m open to new information")?
What activities occupy your attention?
Taking an objective look at thoughts can be hard because we often are quick to assign value to them (“I’m worthless because I have trouble thinking about my strengths”). But imagine looking at your thoughts like you are watching a movie and just notice what shows up (“I have difficulty coming up with strengths about myself”).
Emotional
What feelings am I experiencing?
The title of this post is “Why do I feel like crap?” The feel part of that is important. We often experience and judge life based on our feelings. Feelings can give us valuable information about experiences (“I don’t feel safe right now”), well-being (“I feel really good today”), and values (“I’m feeling guilty about how I treated someone”).
But feelings aren’t facts. Facts are things as they are (“I just went on a roller coaster and threw up”). Feelings influence our interpretation of an experience (“Throwing up on my friend was so embarrassing I can never talk to them again”). It’s easy to conflate the two, so it’s helpful to take a step back and observe.
How do you usually feel when you wake up in the morning?
What is your favorite part of the day?
What situations do you dread?
When is the last time you felt content?
How do you feel about the state of your world?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Who makes you feel valued and appreciated?
Remember, feelings aren’t facts. Just observe what shows up, don’t judge.
Relational
What is the quality of the important relationships in my life?
As much as we like to think of ourselves as independent and self-sufficient, the relationships in our lives (or lack thereof) play a big role in how we feel, think, and behave. Relationships can at different times be the source of stress, bear the brunt of outside stress, or be the remedy to stress. Taking a closer look helps sort out our relationship landscape.
What relationships do you find most valuable?
What are you doing to build important relationships?
What relationships seem neglected?
How would your partner/friend describe your contributions to your relationship?
What proportion of your relationships occur online instead of in person?
Who can you be completely yourself around and why?
We can feel “off” and less than fulfilled when the relationships we’re in don’t have the vitality and connectedness we desire.
Spiritual
What brings meaning and fulfilment to my life?
I use the term spirituality broadly to refer to living in alignment with your chosen values and purpose. It can be easy to get sucked into the busyness of life and thus pulled away from the core of what we value. Identifying and living congruently with one’s values and purpose can bring great satisfaction. Conversely, when we don’t know what we value or aren’t living in alignment with what’s important to us, we lose that sense of purpose.
What matters above all else to you?
What would a values-driven life look like for you?
What do you spend time on that brings you joy?
What activities leave you feeling depleted or empty?
Of the five areas mentioned above, I’ve found that spirituality, meaning, and purpose are the easiest ones to neglect. We put ourselves on autopilot without considering why we do what we do. However, when we know how we want to live and adjust to live in harmony with those values, even crappy times can feel meaningful.
Relationship with…
I’ve invited you to step back and look objectively at your life. This is standing in relationship with your self. For a moment you became an outside observer. You didn’t need to judge, just assess. You weren’t fused with the crappiness but had a chance to step away from it.
Again, the definition of relationship with self it is how one thinks, feels, and acts in relation to the physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects of self.
One of the awesome capacities we have as humans is the ability to step back, observe, and make decisions about out thoughts, feelings, and actions. At times it can feel as if we ARE our thoughts, or our feelings are the TOTALITY of our existence. Stepping back can give us perspective and power to change.
Returning to my personal crappy experience a few years ago, it was asking the types of questions mentioned in this article that helped me pause, assess, and make changes.
Physical: I started some very basic exercises that helped me feel I was doing something to help my body. 20 pushups in the morning were all I could muster but it was something.
Mental: I let go of some unrealistic expectations that had made themselves at home in my brain. This helped me be a bit more patient as a dad.
Emotional: I tracked my mood to look for themes and ways I could intervene. I knew when my rough times were and could choose specific activities to boost my mood.
Relational: I started being more intentional about who I spent time with at work and I prioritized time with my kids. I remember coming home and playing a game with the kids where I would roll each of them up in a blanket like a burrito and swing them around. To this day they still talk about those times.
Spiritual: I started journaling about things that were off in my life and what I wanted to pursue instead. Reflecting and writing reoriented me to what brings me hope when things get rough.
All of this took time. Some things progressed faster than others. Some things remained a challenge for a while. I found though that it became less about what I was going through and more about how I stood in relationship to it.
What do you want to do with your reflections from the questions above?
I believe each person deserves safety, purpose, and joy in life. Reflecting on the questions here can help you find those individually. When we strive for those individually it can have a positive ripple effects on relationships with significant others, society, and something bigger.
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